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101 things that'll make you turn green (well, almost! ;)

01) You walk into a strip bar where the strippers are in their 80's and above. --Hopefully that'll never happen--

02) You've just come to realise what those little chocolate balls in your bowl of cereal are.

03) While digging into the soil in your backyard, you discover a corps still juicy and bloody, complete with maggots and sandflies.

04) You wear the same pair of underwear for many many months, and when you finally take them off, you throw it at the wall and it sticks.

05) You're bustin'. And you're in one of those places where you would find a LONG line of people waiting outside the one bathroom. When it's your turn, you gratefully hurried inside, only to find the toilet blocked off with shit piled so high some people had taken to urinating in the sink and on the floor and didn't bother to clean up after.

06) Your 3 month old baby sister had just had a bowl of mushed up pizza topped of with anchovies, garlic, mushroom and cheese. You pick her up and play with her happily by tossing her into the air and catching her when she came down. After a few tosses, you're not happily playing anymore.

07) You've just finished your business in the bathroom. You turn around to flush, only to see a bright green tongue sticking out and licking at your remains.

08) You're at the local zoo. You find where the monkeys are being kept. You laugh at their silly antics, stood in awe at their abilities. And then, you find one in the corner masturbating and eating the results. You remembered that you've had tacos just before.

09) You're lost. You were separated from your group 7 hours ago, and you've somehow wandered into a swamp-like place with thick-green algae on so called water and weeping willows. You see something jerking up and down in the middle of the water. It was a human, half of his body deep inside a 10 foot long crocodile. You black out. You wake up feeling light-headed. You look down, to find your lower body gone and replaced with the mouth of the same crocodile you had seen before.

10) You're at Pizza Hut, waiting for your meatlover's pizza. When it is delivered, you find little white spots on your pizza. Thinking it's just some new kind of cheese, you eagerly devoure it down. In the middle of eating your last slice, you hear a woman screaming, followed by her husband's voice, "ECH! WAITER! there're MAGGOTS on the food!! WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS!??!" You stop eating, and stare at your half eaten slice. Leaning closer, you see the white spots moving slightly.

11) Time for bed. You shooed your 6 month old puppy from your bed. Sliding your legs beneath the sheets, you encounter something mushy, like wet soil. You lift up the sheets.

12) You see two sandflies having sex. Trying to avoide the scene, you look past them, and see two cows having sex, and white froth is forming in between them.

13) You're in your friend's room at the hospital. You're very thirsty, so you grab the glass on his bed. When he noticed that you're drinking his drink, he says, "That's not apple juice..."

14) You watch as a chicken is being slaughtered. !CHOP! the head is off, and the guy lets the chicken go. But then the chicken starts running like mad, and what's worse, it's coming towards you.

15) Your friend loves to send nude pictures to you by email. One day, you find the pictures taken were of his great grandmother and great grandfather.

16) It's mating season for the gorillas, and a dominant silverback escaped from his grounds. He jumps on you.

17) You have a tray of sperms taken from a drunk just a few hours ago. Adding an egg to the tray, you put it under the microscope, and look carefully, at their actions. After a few seconds, the egg is untouched, but the sperms are desperately trying to nudge into one another, and you think back to where they came from... The drunk... --I guess the sperms had a few drinks too huh?--

18) You and your friends play truth, dare, command. It's your turn, and being a dare-devil you are, you pick command. Your friends handed you a tiny, tiny, tiny camera and commanded you to record your grandmother in the shower. --Poor you man...--

19) Having discovered a new tribe deep in the Amazon jungles, you hastily set up your camera under a bush so as not to be detected. The nasty snake bite on your leg is still bleeding, but you didn't care to bandage it up because of your exciting discovery. As you watch and tape the tribe, you find them helping an injured one to what seemed like a food table. The smell of fresh blood was all around, because of the torn skin on the injured one's face. The others sniffed the air, and suddenly fangs the size of a pencil appear and they tore open the injured one's skin and meat. You watch in horror, having stunned by the unsuspecting act. After their little 'meal', the fangs disappeared, and the only thing left of the injured one was it's skull. A few seconds later, they were sniffing the air again, and one of them looked at your direction, as you remembered your bleeding leg. --RRRRUUUUNNNNN!!!!!--

20) You sneak in to watch the 'Exorsist - Director's Cut' with your 8 year old brother (he threatened you with death if you won't bring him to watch that particular movie), who LOVES to imitate things. He dragged you into his favorite pizza place and made you spend $20 on his large pizza before going to the movies. After watching the girl turn her head 180 degrees and spew, your brother goes, "KKOOOLLL!!!!" and tries to do the same, and asks you to watch. But he couldn't turn his head all the way round, although he DID succeed in spewing all over your head. --aren't you proud of your little bro?--

21) You walk in on your parents at night.

22) You walk in on your GRANDparents at night.

23) You watch as a plane flies by your house, and a guy jumps off it. He's skydiving. Half way between where the plane had been and the ground below, you see him desperately pulling at the cord to release the parachute, but it won't budge. You watch in horror as the body plumetted towards earth, and what's worse, the strong wind just happened to be blowing him towards your area, and BBBAAAAMMMM!!!!! his body splats on to your frontyard.

24) You find a 90 year old guy in town high on libido (sexual desires) and doing a strip tease in front of these old ladies. --...Oh man...--

--The following three were sent in by SYLVIE--

25) Visiting your friend at a hospital, you see yummy chocolates in a white box, and hungrily ate 'em all. When your friend came back into his room, and saw you pop the last one into your mouth, he says quietly, "Those ain't chocolates..."

26) You have been backed up in 3 miles of traffic 4 over an hour and reeeeeeeeeeeally starting 2 regret those last few coffees and bran muffins...

27) You go 2 ur favourite resteraunt and order ur absolute favourite meal. when it arrives u wolf it down real fast. u sit back satiated, burp, and a scabby band-aid falls onto ur plate.

28) "WWWWWWhhheeennnnnn a car hits your eyes like a spear through the thigh that's a 'bye-bye'...!
Whennnn they burry you live under big piles of flies that's a 'bye-bye'....!
Bells will ring, guys will sing while they jab youuu with a dagger....
Y'heart will flare, daring you to stare 'to your dad's pubic hair, annddd say the Lord's prayer....!"

Oh bite me... It's Fun!

If you have some great ones, and they aren't on tha list, send 'em to me by e-mail! I'd be sooooo happy!
And make sure that you leave your name and site URL (if ya have 1), so I can put at tha end of your contribution, "See how generous :so and so: is??" Won't you feel special. (hehe)

So HELP MESSIAH! (and make her happy!)